Braun Strowman Sucks. Give Him the Universal Title
Braun Strowman is a terrible wrestler. He’s a bottom-tier talent on the deepest roster the WWE’s ever had. His move-set consists of the following: a shoulder strike, a clothesline, a chokeslam, a final cut (a boring move popularized by Big Show), and a power slam. Perhaps the most infuriating aspect of Strowman’s main event presence, his power slam — perhaps the most routine pick-up-throw-down move you can think of — is his finishing move. He has won with this routine yawn of a move against countless wrestlers throughout his meteoric rise these past two years.
In that time, the WWE has had him defeat no-names, up-and-comers, established veterans, main eventers, everyone, in similarly speedy fashion. Strowman was made to look like a million bucks. The downside to this, however, is that so many transcendent talents got pushed into Strowman’s path. As a result, they looked indiscernible from all his other victims. Seth Rollins, one of the most decorated and talented wrestlers the WWE has, got beat in 7 minutes. Since most of Strowman’s matches during this run were 4 minutes, I guess this is a compliment to Rollins. Ultimately, though, the match was a decisive rout and was never in question.
Fans have argued that there’s no need to nitpick the wins and losses in such a modern era of professional wrestling. There’s so much parity among the talent, and nobody has a long-term memory regarding something as archaic as a win-loss record. Also, Strowman’s success isn’t contingent on victories in the ring. The general conceit of Braun Strowman fandom is that nobody’s watching him for his matches. His most memorable moments have been theatrical beatdowns with no victories attached to any of them. Admittedly, these moments were not only entertaining but also effective in building Strowman’s character in a way a match never could.
These moments allowed Strowman to play to his strengths by doing glorified strongman competition exercises with actual storyline context to them. And it’s understandable for fans to get excited by those moments. They were fun! But again, he’s in the elite caliber of wrestlers because he’s beaten everyone else. Strowman has taken down the past 20 years of world champions with relative ease. Wins are still what solidify everyone as a wrestler. Since his breakout, Strowman has only been pinned by Reigns and Brock Lesnar, the two most protected wrestlers in the company. He has lost his share of matches, but the WWE has made sure Braun didn’t get pinned. In those losses, Strowman often disqualified himself by being too violent with his opponents. He’s also been thrown into triple-threat and fatal four-way matches where he technically loses, but someone else got pinned, so it doesn’t matter.
The WWE knows how important a pinfall still is. Strowman’s scant pinfall losses are indicative of this. Few of the other supremely talented performers on this roster have been protected in such a way. Both Elias and Kevin Owens, two beloved wrestlers, were completely embarrassed throughout their respective feuds with Strowman. They were never able to land a substantial victory against him, and it’s doubtful either can be taken seriously as a main event talent ever again as a result. Veteran tag champs Sheamus and Cesaro have also been piddling around in obscurity since Strowman and a tween beat them in 4 minutes as a joke. This should be a warning to any wrestler who doesn’t happen to be Roman Reigns or Brock Lesnar. Not only should they expect to lose to Braun Strowman, but the fact that their career might get full-on derailed because of him should be kept in mind.
But yeah, “Get These Hands,” though, right, you fuckhead idiots? Ugh. In some ways, it’s fun to see make fans excuses for their Strowman love. These are people who pride themselves on admiring ‘true in-ring ability’, ‘underdog spirit’, all that bullshit. Yet they still fell for the most 1980s play Vince McMahon’s snake oil salesman playbook has to offer. The one where he trots out some inexperienced bodybuilder and paves the road to his success with genuinely talented wrestlers. They can try to be all Walt Whitman about it, saying they contain multitudes as a wrestling fan because they can appreciate both Johnny Gargano AND Braun for different reasons. But the excuses don’t matter. The result of loving Strowman is having to sit through another dog dirt Wrestlemania main event.
But, hey, we’re here now. Regardless of quality, Braun Strowman deserves a title reign. The wrestler that fans are most invested in should always have a title reign. Braun Strowman is who the fans are most invested in. He is the champion WWE fans deserve. Through their hard work, Strowman’s become the most popular, beloved wrestler in the company. It isn’t a close competition, either. This has been the case for some time, and it’ll continue to be a growing problem if he doesn’t win the title soon.
It feels as though McMahon and the writing team have backed away from the banal, uninspired monster they helped create. And over the past few months, the powers that be have been avoiding it in peculiar ways.
Right before the SummerSlam main event that nobody wanted between Reigns and Lesnar, Strowman’s music hit. He was carrying his Money in the Bank briefcase. The crowd went crazy. It was the most invested they were the entire night. But instead of cashing in his briefcase, which would have effectively made the match a triple-threat, he told them he’ll be waiting until the match is over to fight the then-exhausted winner. A complete letdown.
Sure, waiting for the match to end to cash in is the typical strategy for Money in the Bank winners. But it’s not a tough guy move. And Braun attempting to make it seem like a tough guy thing to do made no sense. The strangeness continued after that when he chose to just stand right outside the ring throughout the entirety of the match. And the final stage of strange here was when he didn’t even cash in after the match ended. Instead, the WWE just let their fans leave annoyed by a Roman Reigns match for the millionth time.
The next day on Raw, Strowman went to cash in again. Although it got derailed again, it was done in a more sensible way this time thanks to Reigns’s old Shieldmates, Rollins and Dean Ambrose, interfering. This move really got fans excited. Having the champ and his buddies pull off a 3-on-1 ambush on the #1 contender felt like the first step toward finally defining Reigns the clear bad guy and Strowman as the clear good guy with no more lingering grey area. The following week, they reverted back to the grey area by having Strowman team up with Dolph Ziggler and Drew McIntyre. Ugh.
Last Sunday, Strowman and Reigns had a match at Hell in a Cell. It ended in a no contest after Brock Lesnar interfered. No win, no loss, no title. A textbook Braun Strowman match. The likelihood of this happening again is high when they all face off against one another in Saudi Arabia. This is probably why they’re having this match take place in Saudi Arabia in the first place. It’s a crowd that’ll cheer anything. WWE knows they’ll have a lot of wiggle room regarding how the match ends because of this.
Sooner or later, though, Reigns vs. Strowman is going to happen on American soil again. If the WWE continues to deny Strowman that stupid red belt, his momentum will eventually die out and the fans will never embrace Reigns like the WWE wants them to. This is the only long-term Strowman feud that could be mutually beneficial for each wrestler. If they continue to botch it like they’re currently doing, it will destroy the legacies of both wrestlers.
So just do it already, WWE. Give Braun Strowman the title.